A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, ‘You must be a dentist.’
The guy, surprised, says, ‘Yes…. How did you figure that out?’
‘Easy,’ she replied, ‘you keep washing your hands.’
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, ‘You must be a good dentist.’
The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, ‘Sure, I’m a good dentist, how did you figure that out?’
‘I didn’t feel a thing.’
Had a funny incident happen at the movies the other day.
I went to see Mama Mia and sat in front of three young girls about 16yrs old. The were fine, chatted a bit and made a few comic comments but towards the end as Colin Firth is taking his shirt off in one of the scenes and I am having flash backs to Mr Darcy, I hear from the girls behind me ‘ew gross’. It made me laugh out loud!!
Wish I could think so quickly.
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, ‘Are all of those kids yours?’
He replied,’No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.’
A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend.
"I’m really depressed all the time and I think negative thoughts. I’m always bored, I feel listless and I am always tired."
"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.
"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I’m not allowed on the couch.
This is a true story:
My 5yo niece wanted to watch a movie advertised on TV that was rated M. She asked why she couldn’t watch it when told it was for adults only. Her grandfather said it might have sex and violence in it. She said that would be OK. When asked if she knew what they meant, she replied with, "Sex is when you look all sexy, and violence smells nice (she meant ‘Violets’).
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I’ll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Q ,What do you call a Muslim that fly’s an airplane ?
A. A pilot
The Cowgirl went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being "well endowed".
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don’t be flattered," she said, "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks . . . "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What’s the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy but…I have the breasts of an 18 year old.
"The husband replies . . . "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’ ‘You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently…… ….but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’
The bloke perks up at this.
‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’
‘I have.’ says the fellow.
‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’
‘She has’ says the bloke.
‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor. . .
‘We’re having a new kitchen.
"My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’" -Thomas Friedman