A resourceful pooch is on the run in northern England after using a trampoline to catapult himself out of his fenced yard. Harvey, a squat Staffordshire bull terrier, apparently bounced his way to freedom after being unable to make it over the fence of his family’s yard in York.
Pilot: “Have you ever flown in a small plane before?”
Passenger: “No, I have not.”
Pilot: “Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears popping.”
Pilot (after the plane landed): “Did the gum help?”
Passenger: “Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.”
Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you’re at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
“Now,” she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?”
I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, “What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?”
“Morning Sickness.”
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said.
“Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!!!”
When insults had class
- “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” Winston Churchill
- “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” Groucho Marx
- “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” Oscar Wilde
- “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” John Bright
- “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” Irvin S. Cobb
- “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” Samuel Johnson
- “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” Paul Keating
- “He had delusions of adequacy.” Walter Kerr
- “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” Mae West
Our local paper runs a popular column called “10 Questions”that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, “What’s the ‘strangest’ thing you ever bought?”
She answered, “Dog toothpaste.”
Next question, “What is the ‘most common’ thing people say to you?”
Her answer: “Where did you get such white teeth?”
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, Teach a person to use the Internet And they won’t bother you for weeks
Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good. But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, “I don’t know about this. We’ve been out here all day and haven’t caught a single duck. Do you think we’re doing something wrong?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other. “Maybe we’re not throwing the dog high enough.”
During a history lesson on the French Revolution an inattentive young lad was asked by his teacher if knew the nationality of Napoleon Bonaparte. Without thinking the boy answered “Course I Can”.
One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me, “Well, did he?”
“Did he what?”
“Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?” she asked.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “I believe it’s Wedding Cake?”
Here is a funny story from me, well it was when my 3 year old granddaughter told it.
Both grandchildren sitting at the dinner table, 5 yr old grandson told mum that he had pins and needles in his hand, she told him to give it a shake and they would disappear.
3 year old granddaughter was also at the table and taking too long to eat her dinner, mum told her to hurry up but her reply was “I can’t I have peas and beans in my hands”, I think she meant pins and needles like her brother.
Needless to say my daughter and I were laughing so much we were crying.
Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, “These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst….my wife came home with no panties!!”
That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said…..”From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.”