The Fabulous Friday Funnies

This was so cute I had to share it…. I was explaining to my class of Australian six-year-olds that we wouldn’t be returning to school until Tuesday because of the Queen’s Birthday long weekend. They looked blank. I told them I meant the queen of England. Still blank. She is Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles’s mother and we are having a day off to remember her birthday, I added hopefully.

At last one little girl put up her hand with a smile. “So are you going to her party?” she asked.

These were results for an Ozwords comp where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition. You’ll need to be an Aussie to understand.

  • billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
  • bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work but is kept as a pet. (this one’s gotta be the winner!)
  • dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.
  • fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.
  • flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.
  • yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.
  • bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.
  • shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep
  • technicolour lawn: the front yard after a rave party

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. “I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”

Some years ago our family was showing our new puppy to the grandparents. Grandad (whose nickname was Gaa-Gaa) remarked that the puppy looked like she had a bit of whippet in her. He also said he used to race greyhounds. My four year old who was running around the car at great speed then asked “Did you beat them, Gaa-gaa?

I’ve noticed a number of real-life experiences in the Friday funnies lately, so here’s one you may consider. Early in the year, a new Year One student who was immaculately dressed, with flowing blonde curls and the biggest blue eyes, was sent to me with a note stating that she had spoken ‘inappropriately’. Often when notes are couched in this way, I am reticent to ask the student what they actually said, however on this occasion her look of demure innocence led me to take the risk.

Eye’s lowered, she replied, ‘I said ‘Shut-up’. With some relief I gave a sad though severe look, stating, ‘Oh dear, that’s not very nice is it?’

With some affront, she looked me straight in the eye and replied, ‘But I didn’t say s h i t’.

Guess I’d better go back to not asking.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise.’ The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. ‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. ‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you did you order?’ The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’ You’re going to love this………………

‘Ah! So solly,’says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck!’

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

“And what will your third wish be?”

The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”

“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.”

“Sheesh! I wish you’d make up your mind,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, “That was your first wish, too!”

“I think it’s finally starting to sink in to Hillary that she didn’t get it. Today she went down to Ikea because she realized this was her only chance she was going to have to put together her own cabinet.” -Jay Leno

Invented by a four year old beginning comedian

Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. To get to the bottom

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he crowed, “I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath.”

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, “When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest.”

“Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had what they called a secret meeting. One of the topics rumored to be discussed is Hillary’s $20 million campaign debt. Obama may help her cover some of that. Today she outlined a plan for recouping that money: She plans on marrying, then divorcing, Paul McCartney.” -Jimmy Kimmel

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, “Man, what a rip off!. It was all over in four minutes!”

The wife replies, “Now you know how I feel.”

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the Night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not Be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.’ Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Shoite’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘Shoite, Shoite!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘Bi’Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No fockin’ way’.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed.’

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says ‘Fock it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?’.

Paddy says, ‘I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?’

‘Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’