The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?’"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest says, "Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘Oh wow, no way! What happened next?’
"A new article in ‘Newsweek’ is out talking about what it’s like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who’s an atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don’t know why." -Jay Leno
I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack.
"Where’s your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I’ll see."
Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An sharp yell came from above.
Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she’s in the shower."
"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming out. It’s called ‘Intimately Beckham.’ Apparently, it’s a delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot." -Craig Ferguson
My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a bloke in one of the branches who had this question:
‘I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire in the main frame?’
Well, you see things differently when you go to live in a retirement village. One woman said to another, "I am having an affair."
The second one asked, "Who is catering?"
A walker noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Twenty-four," she replied.
"The Clintons released their tax returns. Over the past eight years, they have donated over $10 million to charity. When they asked Bill Clinton why he gave so much money to charity, he said, ‘She’s a really good dancer.’" -Conan O’Brien
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and Accidentally cut off the tail of her cat Which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to Woolworths
Woolworths is the largest re-tailer in Australia !!!
"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex- boyfriend."
"I know, but I don’t hold any grudges."
"I’m surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."
"Well, I had to swear to him she’s Jennifer Lopez’s double." "Wow! Is that true?"
"I wouldn’t lie. She’s twice her weight and twice her age."
The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words. Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the surgery’s waiting room. ‘I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I’d hate to feel like this if I was well!’
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects. ‘He’s got a great tan,’ Mrs Doolan from next door mused. ‘The holiday did him the world of good.’ And he looks so calm and serene,’ said Mrs McGuiness. ‘That’s because he died in his sleep.’ explained Mrs Murphy, ‘and he doesn’t know he’s dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!’
‘Your glass is empty O`Flaherty, will you be having another?’ ‘And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?’ Replied O`Flaherty.
Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding. ‘Are ya dead?’ cried Gallager from above ‘To be sure I am,’ replied Murphy. ‘You are such a liar Murphy that I don’t know whether to believe you or not!’ called Gallagher. ‘That proves I’m dead,’ said Murphy’s voice from the rubble below, ‘because if I was alive you wouldn’t be game to call me a liar!’
Dublin’s contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question. ‘First, what’s your name and occupation?’ The compere asked ‘Pass’, came the reply.
Paddy: ‘If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them.’ ‘Three?’ suggested Shaun.
On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub. The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle. ‘What’s it for?’ asked Paddy. ‘It’s for a poor widow with 13 kids.’ said the barman. Paddy shook his head, ‘No good for me. I’d never be able to keep them.’
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child ‘Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?’
Becky replies ‘ I have been playing in the sand box’
‘Very good’ says the teacher ‘if you can spell ‘sand’ on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit’
Becky duly goes and writes ‘s a n d’ on the blackboard.
‘Very good’ says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says ‘Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?’
Freddie replies ‘playing with Becky in the sand box’
‘Very good’ says the teacher. ‘ If you can spell ‘box’ on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit’
Freddie duly goes and writes ‘b o x’ on the blackboard.
‘Very good’ says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says ‘Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?’
‘No’ replies Mohammed, ‘I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names’
‘Oh dear’ says the teacher. ‘That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me – I tell you what, if you can spell ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I will give you a biscuit’.