“The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for supper and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator.” –Bill Lawrence
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation, “Let’s all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the missionary position.”
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.
3 hours later they were still walking around with it.
I thought to myself :
“These idiots have lost the plot.”
Drunk guy: “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!”
Drunk girl: “What’s that mean?”
Drunk guy: “It’s an Irish toast.”
Drunk girl: “Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”
Drunk guy: “Huh?”
Drunk girl: “That’s French toast.”
Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”
“How will I be sure?” she pressed.
“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.” When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” The Irishman nodded…”I’ll tell you though, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from all the bloooody skippin”, the Irishman said.
More Home Truths
- You cannot physically lick the tip of your elbow with your tongue – no matter HOW hard you try.
- Approximately 95% of people, after being told the above fact – will (while you aren’t looking) TRY to lick the tip of their elbow!
The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative.
Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: “Customer is looking for two song titles: ‘Shovel Off Two Buffaloes’ and ‘Honey, Suck a Rose.'”
Three women, one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S & M style, stiletto’s and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again…..
The engaged girlfriend: “The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: “You are the woman of my life, I love you”…then we made love all night long.”
The mistress: “Ah! me too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat… he did not say anything…..but we made wild love all night”
The married one: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes….my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says…
“Hi Batman, what’s for dinner?”
Sean says to Murphy “Ha ha Murphy, caught you out last night, you left your bedroom curtains open and I saw you making love to your wife.
Murphy says to Sean “Ha ha yourself Sean, the jokes on you, I wasn’t home last night”.
Did you hear about the man that drowned in his meusli? A strong currant pulled him in.
This is something that my father says. I thought it may be good to add to the Friday funnies.
“Being rich may not make you happy, but at least you can buy your own brand of misery.”