A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky,a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “if you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!”
When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more lightning.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
“They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray, which is a good thing to remember the next time you get lonely.” -Fred Stoller
There is a lovely small historic town Coromandel which is situated half way up the Coromandel Peninsula. Fortunately the developers have not got in there, yet! The local Lions Club has a roadside sign on the left “Welcome to Coromandel, please drive carefully. We have no hospital and two cemeteries.”
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be, new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, ‘I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.’
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked –
‘What are you selling here?’
One of the men replied sarcastically,
‘We’re selling arse-holes.’
Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,
‘You are doing well … Only two left!’
I was at a meeting the other day when a woman jumped up saying I have just had an idea. It was like a little fart going off in my head.
Q. What goes cloak, cloak?
A. A Chinese toad.
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. –Fran Lebowitz
“A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over $5 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to two doors down.” –Jay Leno
YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN AUSTRALIAN IF:- (Part 2)
- You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
- Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
- You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
- You understand that “you” has a plural and that it’s “youse”.
- You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.
- Hamburger. With Beetroot. Of course.
- You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
- You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
- You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
- You believe the phrase “smart casual” refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
With even greater emphasis he said,
‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
‘For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’
“My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it’s time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature.” –Kevin Hench
Sign on condom machine in Men’s Room: “Don’t buy this gum, it tastes like rubber.”
Left over jokes from Christmas crackers.
Q. Why do cows have bells?
A. Because their horns don’t work.
Q. What do you get if you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A. A bird that plucks itself.
Q. Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A. They have two left feet.
Q. What type of shoes do frogs wear?
A. Open toad.
Q. Why did the cucumber need a lawyer?
A. Because it was in a pickle.
Q. How can you tell which spiders are the trendiest?
A. They have their own websites.
Q. What’s a polygon?
A. A dead parrot.