“The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an exciting new governing concept called “democracy,” from the Greek words dem, meaning “everybody gets to vote,” and ocracy, meaning “except, of course women, slaves and poor people.” -Dave Barry
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word “manana” (manyana). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means, “Maybe the job will be done tomor- row, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares?”
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. “No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency.”
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’ He slams the door and returns to bed.
‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.
‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push,’ he answers.
‘Did you help him?’ she asks.
‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!’
‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’
‘Yes,’ comes back the answer.
‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband.
‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark.
‘Where are you?’ asks the husband.
‘Over here on the swing,’ replied the drunk.
Last April, after much deliberation, I bought a magnolia tree from our local nursery. After only a few weeks I noticed that the leaves had started to shrivel and the tree appeared to be on its last legs in spite of my tender care.
So I took some leaf samples and marched back to the nursery to demand an explanation or get my money back.
“I know exactly what’s wrong with your magnolia,” said the manager.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “What’s it suffering from?”
You can imagine how stupid I felt when he said, “Autumn.”
YOU KNOW YOUR AN AUSTRALIAN IF (part 1)
- You know the meaning of the word “girt”.
- You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
- You think it’s normal to have a leader called Kevin.
- You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garde
- When you hear that an American “roots for his team” you wonder how often and with whom.
- You understand that the phrase “a group of women wearing black thongs” refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
- You can translate: “Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.”
- You think “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
- You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.
- You understand that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga” but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”.
One day a mother was out and the dad was in charge. The little one was maybe one and a half years old. Someone had given her a little tea set as a gift and it was one ofher favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the toddler bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’
Mom waited, and sure enough, here comes baby down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?’
When a woman wears a leather dress, A man’s heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
-Ever wondered why?
Because she smells like a new car
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, ‘surely i can’t look that old.’ well.. you’ll love this one.
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS Diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
‘Yes. Yes, I did,’ he gleamed with pride.
‘When did you graduate?’ I asked.
He answered, ‘in 1969. Why do you ask?’
‘You were in my class!’, I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat,grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, ‘What did you teach?
Stuff from newspapers
- From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
‘Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, Labelled ‘For The Sick,’ is for monetary donations only.’ - From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch New Zealand:
‘Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner’s Office Return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.’ - From The Gloucester Citizen:
A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 Number from an advertisement entitled ‘Hear Me Moan’ the caller was played a Tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, ‘He Got what he deserved.’ - From The Daily Telegraph:
In a piece headed ‘Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes’: ‘The Money will not be going directly into the prostitutes’ pocket, but will be Used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for New positions in hotels.’ - From The Derby Abbey Community News:
We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that ‘Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.’ This was a typographical Error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the police farce - From The Manchester Evening News:
Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station Released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.