Q. What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of directions?
A. Lost.
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed–driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”
“A German airline is offering n u d e flights. What a tremendous idea. How many times have you been on a flight and looked around and said, ‘Gee, if only I could see all these people naked.'” -David Letterman
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.”
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree.”
A woman confided to her girlfriend, “My ex-husband wants to marry me again.”
The friend said, “How flattering.”
The woman replied, “Not really. I think he’s after the money I married him for.”
“If Sen. John McCain wins, he will be the oldest president to take office. But the good news? At age 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One.” -Jay Leno
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said the councelor. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by 20 kilos and he was a coward.”
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father … During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did my son! And you have no need to confess that.”
“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.” The priest said, “By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. But I can understand how two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven my son.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind but I do have one more question.” “And what is that, my son?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
Q. What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A. A manila folder
“I was reading about this self help book, ‘The Secret,’ written by an Australian reality producer. One fan of the book said it stopped her panic attacks and doubled her acupuncture business. I’m thinking, ‘Who’s going to go see a panicky acupuncturist?'” -Craig Ferguson
“Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?” –Lisa Claymen
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world with- out hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” –Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from His collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept For an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog Comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with ten children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
I went into a petrol station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.
A married couple are lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, “Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it’s time I made a confession …………..
Before we were married, I was a hooker for eight years.” The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife’s eyes and says “My love, you’ve been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit!”
She said, “I don’t think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Parramatta.”
She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, “Grow your own dope.” How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient. Then I noticed the rest of her message… “Plant a man.”
“Cunning and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.”