The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription re- filled, and soon the symptoms of menopause–hot flashes, forgetfulness and irritability returned.

At the pharmacy, I found myself telling the pharmacist all about my problems. After listening patiently, he asked, “Just out of interest, how many people asked you to get this refilled?

“There are two kinds of people who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.” -Cyrus Curtis

While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup and a fancy gown. I heard him let out a low whistle and ask my son, Joshua, “Who’s that?”

“That’s my mom,” Joshua answered. “Wow,” the man said, “my mother doesn’t look like that.”

“Yeah,” my son said, “well, neither does mine.”

Contemporary Latin Phrases

  • “Domino vobiscum.” (The pizza guy is here.)
  • “Sharpei diem.” (Seize the wrinkled dog.)
  • “Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum.” (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
  • “Motorolus interruptus.” (Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.)
  • “Sic semper tyrannus.” (Your dinosaur is ill.)
  • “Veni, Vidi, Velcro” (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

A variation on “dogs have owners, cats have staff” that I use based on my observation of our pets over the years…

Dogs have favourite people, cats have employee of the month.

My wife and I saw this on a church in WA last week – it was on a official sign and appeared to be official (not graffiti). There are so many messages in this.


Why men don’t write advice columns

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He’d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Susie Fox


Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber .

I hope this helps.

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski mask come hurling headfirst through the window.

“What on earth are you up to? What happened?!” he demanded.

“I’m terribly sorry,” said the man, “I forgot to let go of the brick.”

“I took a course in speed reading and was able to read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.” -Woody Allen

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , the Taliban Minister for Immigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Australia that, if military action against Iraq continues, he will cut off Australia’s supply of convenience store managers.

And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Telstra customer service reps, public servants and Queensland doctors. This could get very ugly.!

Photons have mass!? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

The Chairman of the Board, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO known as a hatchet man. The new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers, and make a real impression on his first day. The Chairman takes him on a tour of the facilities, and the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business. The CEO walks up the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $500 a week. Why?” The CEO then hands the guy $500 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now get out and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?” Finally one of the workers raises his hand. “Yeah?” the CEO demands. “Pizza delivery man, sir.”

It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer’s Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.

He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can’t be arrested.

The policeman asks why, and he responds, “Because the law states that I’m entitled to the presents of an attorney.”

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out- side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

“No,” replied the man, “That’s my ball!”

Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots’ hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various “hell rooms.”

“I’ll be right back–don’t go away,” said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain’s every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

“Okay, Mac,” said the devil, “Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?”

“Um, I want door number 3,” answered Mac.

“Sorry,” said the devil. “You can’t have door number 3.
That’s flight attendants’ hell.”

An invisible man married an invisible woman.. and their kids weren’t much too look at either…