One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a rest- aurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”
President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.
He begins his remarks with, “Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!”
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the president’s ear, “Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath.”
A Somalian arrives in Melbourne as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. Australian, for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!” The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander.” The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ” Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!”
The person says, “I not Australian, I Vietnamese.” The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, “Thank you for the wonderful Australia!” That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!” He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an Australian?” She says, “No, I am from Africa!”
Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Australians?” The African lady checks her watch and says….”Probably at the PUB.”
Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.
During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”
The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably a life sentence.”
I wish I’d thought of this… At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1,2, 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
“Ah….” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.
“I see you are the father of two children.”
“Hah, what a scam you fortune tellers are,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of three children.”
The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think…”
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under “Reason unable to work,” she wrote: “Can’t stand to cook.”
A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
“I was out of town on business,” he told the doctor,” and I wired my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. When I got in I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed with my best friend!”
The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears.
The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments then said, “Maybe she never got your telegram.”
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, “Look at that dog with one eye!”
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
“What’s that big brass gong for ?” one of the friend’s asked.
“Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock” he drunkenly replied.
“A talking Maori clock – seriously ?” “Yup.” “Hmmm (hic).” “How’s it work ?” the second friend asked, squinting at it. “Just watch” he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ‘ear-shattering bash’ and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed, “For god sake, you stupid coconut . It’s ten past three in the b….y morning !!!”
I was playing darts while watching darts on the TV the other day. One of the competitors finished on a bulls eye. My three and a half year old daughter said “get a blacks eye daddy” (the bulls eye on my dart board is black)I threw three darts, all into the 25. My daughter said “Oh, your not as good as the man on TV”. Although quite chuffed with hitting 3 x 25’s, I must have shown a look for disappointment on my face at her comment. She quickly stated “your not as good as the man on TV but I still love you daddy”. How’s that for true empathy?
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38! ” (Repent and be baptised, in the name of J ebsus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Axe and Two 38’s!”
A bus on a busy street in New York City strikes a man. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd – “A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. “Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.”
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
“B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…”
Here is a Group of Medical Terms as Defined by Blondes:
- Barium: What to do when treatment fails.
- Cauterize: Make eye contact with her.
- Colic: Sheepdog.
- Dilate: To live long.
- Enema: Not a friend.
- Fester: Quicker.
- Hangnail: Coat hook.
- Labor pain: Hurt at work.
- Tablet: Small table.
- Tumor: More than one.
- Varicose: Nearby.
- Vein: Conceited.