“Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.” — Don Herold
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
“Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time.” says the truck driver. “I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life.” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance.
I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the neighbor. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life. And then you show up and drink the poison.”
“Some excitement at the White House yesterday. The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence. When they caught the man, the Secret Service said, ‘Not so fast. You have three more years, Mr. President.'” –Conan O’Brien
Have you seen these anagrams? Some are pretty good.
- DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM
- PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER
- ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER
- DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT
- THE EYES: THEY SEE
- SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME
- MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER
- A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE
- ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”
God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”
God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the email said? No?
Okay, just wondering. I didn’t get one either.
Mixed emotions: When your daughter comes home safely from the prom with a Gideon Bible.
Some old one-liners
- My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
- My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
- I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
- What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
- My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
- I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
“The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not.” –George Bernard Shaw
DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed. All my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some Whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino. Did OK . Won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman; he again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
Today I saved 1600 lives . Twice
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
“Breast-fed,”she replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunningswhen they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says,”Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter — LET’S LOOK FOR YOURS.”
“You know you’re on a diet when cat food commercials make you hungry.” –Andy Bumatai
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“Heaven!” Suzy cried out. “
And what do you have to be to get there?” asked the preacher.
“Dead!” yelled Little Johnny.
Girl #1: “My boyfriend just cheated on me.”
Girl #2: “Oh really! Which one?”
An Irish company is developing computer chips that store music in women’s breast implants.
The Irish believe that this is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them !
Did you hear on the weekend news that the Pope, with all his recent traveling, has contracted Bird Flu?
It is suspected that he got it from one of his Cardinals!!