The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 34.

Things people hate.

Limit difficult behaviour in others by avoiding what people tell us they hate. Examples include:

  • Being told “I told you so.”
  • People pushing in front of a queue.
  • Having chips pinched from their plate.
  • Being coughed on.
  • People who don’t back you at a meeting.
  • Being given advice they don’t want.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

Another true school story from Marcia One of my then colleagues had a very disruptive boy in her class of 5 year olds and had ‘words’ with this boy just before the end of the school day. First thing the next morning the boy’s mother arrived at the school principal’s office demanding, in no uncertain terms the teacher should be sacked for calling her son unacceptable names. She raged on for some minutes before the principal could get a word in and offered to summon the teacher concerned. When my colleague arrived the mother accused her of calling her son ‘a scurvy elephant’. The teacher was dumbfounded and maintained she hadn’t and wouldn’t, under any circumstances, call a pupil ‘a scurvy elephant’. The principal promised she would continue to ‘look into’ the matter and the mother, though still irate, left the school. The matter troubled my colleague all day but just on ‘home time’ she remembered the previous day she had referred to the boy as ‘a disturbing element’!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.” -Steven Wright

An old husband was in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

Q. Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A. The Meat ball!

I went to the cemetery yesterday, there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself:

“These idiots have lost the plot”

A true story

In local hospital they have a cabinet of the more expensive gifts for the patients. Any way an old fella stood looking at the display then asked my wife to take 10 presents out for closer inspection. Then he said he’d take them all for the grandchildren and could she take the price tags off and wrap them individually please?

In view of the size of the sale Noreen rushed to oblige. As she finished the last one she watched in horror as the nurse from the dementia ward wandered in and took the old fellow’s arm and guided him out the door. And to make matters worse, she couldn’t remember which price tag went with which present.

“Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about the seven inches.” —Mae West

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”

He’s still in intensive care.

This actually happened – I know the people involved: A vicar sat before his typewriter one morning to write his sermon for the following Sunday. “What will you use as your text, my dear?” asked his wife. “Water skiing,” he replied. She expressed some doubts about his choice but he seemed confident so she went off to attend a meeting. In the event he couldn’t make the sermon “jell” so he gave up after a while and attended to more pressing matters.

Later in the week he tried again and felt quite pleased with a sermon he had written on the subject of s e x education. Unfortunately the pair had a busy week so hadn’t had time to communicate about all of their activiteis and on Sunday she missed the service because she was preparing dinner for a group of visiting clergy.

The following week her long time friend and confidant arrived early for Mothers’ Union meeting. She burst into the house saying, “I am so sorry you couldn’t attend on Sunday, Martha, your husband’s sermon was quite the most inspiring one I’ve heard yet – he was brilliant.”

Martha thought back to her enquiry about his text for the week and when she remembered, said “Go on, Edith, it can’t have been. He knows nothing about it. He’s only ever tried twice – once before we were married and once not long afterwards and he fell off both times.”

An elderly clergiman who retired to a country district used to keep himself active and entertained by cycling half a dozen miles of a Sunday to a nearby church to take a service on behalf of the local vicar. One morning his cycle skidded in the gravel and deposited him ignominiously in a ditch, which fortunately was dry.

A few minutes later Mr. and Mrs. B all came along in their car, rescued the old boy and gave him a lift to the church where he thought a few words of public acknowledgement would be appropriate. “I had an unfortunate experience this morning,” he told his congregation, “my cycle skidded and I ended up in the ditch and if I hadn’t been pulled out by the B alls I wouldn’t be here now.” Then wondered why his congregation cracked up.

If you throw a cat out of a car window, is that kitty litter?