The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 26

Criticising each other’s family.

It’s OK for your partner to criticise their own family, but be warned, you put yourself at risk by joining in.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However,the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!."

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so the German doctor amputated his arm. The pilot requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. The Germans, in a rare display of respect, did.

Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the same thing. Again, the Germans complied.

The week after that they amputated his leg, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.

The German general replied, "Nein, Ve do dis no more!"

The pilot asked, "Why not?"

The German answered, "Ve tink you trying to escape!"

"I searched for the bluebird of happiness, but all I found was the chicken of despair." —Anonymous

I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an- nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.

Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."

An older woman to her friend….. “Lately, I’ve feeling lethargic, listless and apathetic, and if I stand up to suddenly, I get dizzy. My daughter says she has to smoke two joints to feel like that.”

  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  • What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars, there’s nothing left of them, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren’t you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…."

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office – and found him with his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "…and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair that is safe to use."

This had to surface for the Rugby World Cup

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch..

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance:"hello – is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey’s still alive"

Blond Joke

A married couple were asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (who’s blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How the hell should I know? It’s about 200 miles away" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don’t know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear!"

The hospital’s consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

‘The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water.However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.’

It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer’s Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.

He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can’t be arrested.

The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states that I’m entitled to the presents of an attorney."

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who’s gonna tell his wife?" They cut the cards.Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." So Goldberg goes to the Meyerwitz unit and knocks on the door. Mrs. Meyerwitz yells from behind the door what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home. He needs more money."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I’ll go tell him." says Goldberg

Health Advice

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.