Stress Buster No. 25.
Learn a language.
It concentrates the mind wonderfully.
“You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18 percent that say ‘I don’t know’? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote–and they’re voting ‘I don’t know.’
“Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone)… ‘I DON’T KNOW!’ (Hangs up looking proud.)
“Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” —Andy Rooney
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,” Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”
A similar story to the one about the E- word.
When my children were 4 & 5 my son came to me crying because his sister had called him the c-word. I was horrified and went straight to tell her off. She vehemently denied it, and I sensed she was telling the truth, but my son had also seemed very upset and sincere, so I went to him and said ” I don’t ever want to hear you say it again, but I want you to tell me now what she said” . He replied, ” She said I was C R A P”. I was so relieved.
A blonde is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. “Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!” she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: “Don’t worry, madam. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position.”
“I’m 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!”
“International soccer star David Beckham has signed a $250 million deal to play here in L.A. He’s very popular. To give you an idea of how popular he is today an L.A. jury awarded him a not guilty sentence for any future murders.” –Jay Leno
“I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia.” –Spanky
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” —Woody Allen
NOTICE TO ALL RADICAL TERRORISTS: Stop trying to destroy America! You are wasting your time! (Our elected officials are doing a FAR better job of it than you EVER could!)
A ragged individual stranded for months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. “Due to lack of activity,” he read, “we have regretfully found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke’s Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, “The Cambridge Distorter”, told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
He said, “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other.
“Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman.
Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE” So they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus,” said the photographer. YET AGAIN – “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, “Me first!”
A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking unto himself a bride.
“Whatsa dees?” screamed Mother. “Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?”
“Please, Mom, calm down,” pleaded the son. “Why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian.”
There is a knock on St. Peter’s door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.
A short time later there’s another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.
“Hey, are you playing games with me?” St. Peter calls after him.
“No,” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. “They’re trying to resuscitate me.”
The Meaning of Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span o f twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I ‘ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family For this, I will g ive you a life span of sixty Years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.” So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you