Stress Buster No. 24.
Take a holiday.
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, “Wake up, someone is breaking in!”
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, “Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife.”
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, “Why would you want ME to meet your wife?”
The man replied, “She’s been expecting you for 20 years.”
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late – and you’re still not ready?”
An old blonde joke
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana .
The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunettes down below really whooped it up, having a great time,when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, “What’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!” One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard, and whispered…
“YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!”
“What did one ghost say to another?”
“Do you believe in people?”
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
“Where did you get those big eyes?”
“They came with the face.”
“Do you think I”ll lose my looks as I get older?”
“Yes if you’re lucky.”
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice.”
The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off your face.”
A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
“Is it yours?” she asks the Italian.
“Certainly not,” he replies.
“Yours?” she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
“How about you?” she asks the Jew.
“Maybe,” he says glumly. “My wife burns everything.”
Here’s a real life one that gave me a chuckle the other day: I was pulled up at an intersection behind a glazier’s
truck from a company with an imaginative name: Pane in the Glass.
“My girlfriend just got glasses, and I think I’m in trouble. I heard her upstairs looking in the mirror saying, ‘Wait a minute…I’m a model! Bye.'” –Chris Mancini
“When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get a biscuit? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean- then they’d be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a package of Teddy Bears does it say, ‘Keep out of reach of small children.’
Where’s the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right next to the rest of the poisons.” -Mike Bullard
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”
“How will I be sure?” she pressed.
“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”
I’ve got a real-life one for you… Last week we (my Year Three class and I) were stuck inside our classroom all week with the wet weather, which was wonderful because we really need the rain. On our lunchbreak on Friday we ran to the hall to eat, just to escape the room for a while. One of the girls in my class came up to me and said, “Mrs Lewis, that girl over there called me the e-word.”
This was a new one on me, so I asked her what the “e-word” was. She replied in a hurt voice, “She called me an …idiot!” I quickly set her straight on the initial letter in ‘idiot’ and told her to tell the lass that wasn’t a nice thing to call her – all while keeping a straight face. I was rather proud of myself!
Don’t know if it’s cruel to share this joke with the others on staff, but it gave me some much-needed light relief.