Stress Buster No. 22.
Get a health check.
There are many disorders that initially do not have any obvious physical symptoms. For example you could be walking around with diabetes, high blood pressure or kidney disease and not know it. You’ll need to ask for an extended appointment with your GP when you book.
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.
“Nine,” I heard one whisper as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
“I don’t want to ruin it for you,” he said, “but when I walked in, they were speaking German.”
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggestscaredy-cat.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”
The second kid replies,”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These” she explained “are the older goats put out to pasture when ;they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
“A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar.” -Conan O’Brien
“Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the Bear. Kids, if you see a bear wearing a ranger’s hat, it’s because the bear ate the ranger!” -Craig Ferguson
Five tips for a woman
- It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
- It is important that a man makes you laugh.
- It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to You.
- It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
- It is important that these four men don’t know each other.
A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other’s clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.
“Quick!” she said to the man, “it’s my husband! You’ve got to get out of here quick!”
“Where’s the back door?” the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.
“There isn’t one,” she replied.
“Where would you like one?” he asked.
Nice words/phrases woman use
- Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
- Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
- Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ‘fine’.
- Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
- Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
- That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
- Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
- Whatever: It’s a women’s way of saying STUFF YOU!
- Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ (For the woman’s response refer to #3.)
A beautiful woman loved growing vegetables, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my garden n a k e d in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden, hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did it go? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
“Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?” —Steven Wright
A school teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.'”
Sally raised her hand and said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.'”
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”
The teacher cried.