Stress Buster No. 21.
Make time for friends. Surround yourself with their photos to remind you to call them up and see them.
The young woman really thought she’d been very patient through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, “So, how do you like your rice? Steamed or fried?”
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, “Thrown.”
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers
“According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.” -Jay Leno
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
The Computer Engineer thought for a bit and then said
“Ummm, perhaps if we all need to get out of the car and get back in again!”
“Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished.” —Unknown
“The big story in Washington D.C… not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare… the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It’s amazing isn’t it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13.” -Jay Leno
A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy. “I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients” “Yes, sir!” answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So, Paddy, how was your day? Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.” “Bravo Mate and the second one?” asks the doctor. “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Mylanta”. “Excellent. You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor. “Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off absolutely everything and lies down on the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME! For five years I haven’t seen a man!'”
“Good God “says the doctor.”What did you do?” “I put drops in her eyes!”
My wife came home from the doctor’s office and said that he told her she couldn’t make love. I’ve always known this, but how did he find out?
“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” —Milton Berle
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
“Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President Bush is furious and said, ‘That’s ridiculous – everyone knows the North Pole is owned by Santa.'” -Conan O’Brien
My wife is still mad at me over a teensy misunderstanding that occurred when our baby was born. She called me at work and said her water had broken.
And I said, “So, call the plumber.”
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn’t taxed or insured, and doesn’t even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son’s girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family’s odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control…
Honestly – who’d live near Windsor Castle?
“Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir,” urged the street vendor.
“I haven’t got a wife,” replied the young man. “Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart.”
“I don’t have a sweetheart, either.”
“Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck.”