Stress Buster No. 20.
Trade perfection for adequate.
The extra effort involved in being a perfectionist can cause stress in your own life and in the lives of people who have to work with you. For some things near enough is good enough.
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, “… And what’s that supposed to mean?”
Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” –David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s
A man went to NASA and asked for a ticket to the moon. “Sorry, sir” said the attendant; “The moon is full right now.”
Q: What do you call a turtle who robs banks?
A: Armoured and dangerous
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition…”
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said….
“Clean my house.”
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”
The banker said, “Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.”
One thing about the speed of light–it gets here too early in the morning.
A guy and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” the man asked.
“Not very likely,” his wife said.
“It’s worth a try,” he said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the shoe shop.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.”
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”
“No kidding?” the customer called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
“They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”
“For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, ‘You may now kiss the bride,’ he’s only speaking to the groom.” – David Gunter
An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.
The Russian soldier said, “Get out of the car and open the trunk!”
The American replied, “I’m sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can’t take my foot off the brake or it’ll roll back down the hill.”
So the Russian says, “Do you take me for a FOOL?!” as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.
“Now, go and open the trunk!”
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car.
“Now,” shouts the Russian from inside the car, “Is there any contraband in there?”
Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people’s characters. —Margaret Halsey
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..” The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain. “The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more? “The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, “If I wasn’t married, I’d give this stupid game up!”