The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 19

Develop an attitude of gratitude.

Before you go to bed each night, mentally answer these questions: What was the best thing I saw today, ate today, did for me today, did for someone else, received and what was funny today?

Today’s Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Lifts rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Disposable nappies remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed on an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Balloon prices were inflated. Andrex touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded attempting to recharge the market.

“In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.” –Stephen Leacock

Let’s Recycle – a great told story

It’s the final of the rugby world Cup, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center of the field. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the World Cup and not use it?”

The neighbor says “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

Old Rabbi Wolfson was begging his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down sullen and hopeless in his ambition to acquire a chandelier.

Then the elder president of the board stood up. “What’re we wasting time talkin’ for?” he said rhetorically. “Foist of all, a chandelier, … we ain’t got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain’t got nobody who could even play it. And third, what we need most in the synagogue is more light!”

Overheard in conversation following the recent Auckland storms and subsequent power cuts.

Young lady to retired gentleman. “Do you have power”
Retired gentleman. (Straight face but twinkling eyes.) “No I’m married”.

Was reading this week’s FF’s and saw the one-liner about the “guy who invented crosswords”:

Our family was in Edinburgh in October ’05 and on a whim we decided to take a ‘hop-on/hop-off’ bus – a great way to see an unfamiliar city. We had travelled the circuit of the ‘Auld Town’, travelled most the length of the Royal Mile, passed Holyrood Palace and then circled the base of Calton Hill along Regent Road heading back to Princes Street we passed behind the ‘Calton New Burial Ground’.

The ‘Audio Tour Guide’ informed us that; “the inventor of the modern crossword puzzle was a nativ of Edinburgh and is now buried in the New Calton”. There was a slight wry pause and it then went on to say: “His tomb is that big one, seven across and three down!”

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie replies, “Not too bad… How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now”.

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger says, “You play golf?”

Stevie says, “Yes, I’ve been playing for years”.

Tiger says, “But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

“But, how do you putt?” asks Tiger

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

Tiger asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole”.

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, – when would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night”.

“It’s good to be back in New York but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the pilot putting the ‘club’ on the steering wheel.” –John Mendoza

“At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors, Bill Gates said it’s puzzling why more kids don’t want to become computer programmers. Gee, I don’t know, you think maybe it’s because at some point they’d actually like to have a girlfriend.” –Jay Leno

“Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting.” -Dave Letterman

Waitress: Are you very Hungary?
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I’ll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.
Waitress: Okay, I’ll Russia your order.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn’t have any Greece on it.

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, “Man, what a rip off!. It was all over in four minutes!”

The wife replies, “Now you know how I feel.”

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

Your opening story from last week reminded me of something that happened to my elderly well-to-do aunt. Her much loved cat died, and as she lived in an apartment in Neutral Bay in Sydney, overlooking the water, there was no place to bury the moggie.

She decided to bury the cat at the botanical gardens in the city. Lovingly she wrapped the now lifeless body, and tied it with string. She then boarded the ferry for the short trip across the harbour. During the trip there was a scruffy-looking young man looking strangely at her.

She thought nothing of it until after she disembarked and began to head towards the gardens. She’d only taken a couple of steps when the young man rushed up to her, grabbed the ‘parcel’ and ran off into the crowds!!!