The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 17

Work fewer hours

Research shows that we can work at 100% efficiency for 45 hours a week. In the next 10 hours worked, efficiency drops by 50%, and for hours after that efficiency is only 25%.

Q. What is white and big and would hurt you if it fell out of a tree?
A. A refrigerator

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh, yeah?” the man asked “And where were you when I got married?”

An elderly couple were attending a church service. About half way through she leans over and says to her husband “I just let out a silent f a r t what do you think I should do?” He replies “Put a new battery in your hearing aid”.

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.” –Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

“I ain’t saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.” –Unknown

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. – WH Auden

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.

“Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night…”

Archie nods approvingly.

“Havens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.

“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “that’s braw; you’ll look pure smart in that!”
“And what’s the tartan?” Archie then enquires.

Och,” says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll be in white…”

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn’t paid for them yet. Now just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year…namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo”! ! (I told him). “It’s been a year”!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just Hung up…he hasn’t called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won’t underestimate my intelligence again.

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.” The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the world but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration

A co-worker told George that George’s wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George’s best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

“Look,” said George. “Don’t start such terrible rumors! That guy isn’t my best friend…I don’t even know him.”

“Every year Uncle Earl has a special fireworks show he puts on for the family. It’s exciting. And every year about three-quarters through the show I have to say the same thing, ‘Okay, pick up his fingers and pack them in ice.'” –Dave Letterman

“A group of people here in California are fighting for the right for women to be able to sunbathe topless in California. The name of this group… guys.” –Jay Leno

Thoughts on Life

  1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
  2. Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?
  3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, yet double-check when you say the paint is wet?
  4. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  5. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  6. Whose idea was it to put an “s” in the word lisp?
  7. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  8. Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
  9. Why won’t a plastic bag ever open from the first end you try?
  10. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?