Stress Buster No. 16
Leaving it too long between meals can cause bad moods and headaches. Nutritious snacks include: natural yoghurt with fresh fruit, bananas, nuts, whole grain biscuits with low fat cheese and a mug of hot soup.
“Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?”
Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Tech Support: “OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Tech Support: “OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”
An old Indian was asked what his wife’s name was. “Wife Name – Three Horse.”
"That’s an unusual name for your wife â€“ Three Horse â€“ What does it mean?"
"It’s old Indian name means…. Nag â€“ Nag â€“ Nag"
This is real!! I had to share it!
A staff member in Christchurch was due to go on his health and safety course today but it’s postponed as the trainer has had an accident!
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see Closed for the Winter.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a Really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day She took it to a repair shop. The owner saw that she was a blonde, so He decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the Tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees And started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a Little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her And asked, “What are you doing?”
The first blonde told her how the Repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.”
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. ” I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” The Irishman nodded…”I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.”
“From the hunger, you mean?” “No, from the skippin”, the Irishman said.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says…”Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish. Just one wish…each person is allowed only one!”
The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!” A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf…I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
“Tell me about it!!” says the man… “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it. Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?” The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team but the girl who plants the trees called in sick today.”
My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever made comments about my driving. I, of course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof.
The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter piped up, “Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?”
Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet.
“Oh my God!,” exclaimed Harry, “what should we do?”
“I’m not sure.” said his partner. “But don’t move him! If we just leave him here he’s an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty.”
John: “I’m a man of few words.”
Bill: “I’m married, too.”
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. So they can stand closer to the stove.
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe’s leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.
But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was put off of tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away – tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own.
Tears were streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke.
He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.
He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
“That was amazing!” she said, “How did you do that?”
“No problem”, said Joe, “I’m an ex-tractor fan”