Stress Buster No. 16
Ask yourself often during the day, â€œWhat is the best use of my time right now?â€
- History is clumsy, it makes to many eras.
- When women enter middle age it give men a pause.
- Only kings worry about a receding heir line.
- Police were called into a day-care were a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and ill show you Aflat minor.
- I tried to think of a pun to do with the cold, but it was snow good.
“I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote, I think, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'” –Kathleen Madigan
A good one for the farmers
There was a struggling farmer who owned a property on the drought ravaged western Darling Downs. The Qld. Dept of Labour claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent a Public Servant out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the P S. “Well,” replied the farmer, “There’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of Bundy every Saturday night.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the P S. “That would be me,” replied the farmer.
“What is that sound?” a woman asked at our nature center.
“It’s the frogs trilling for a mate,” Patti, the naturalist, explained. “We have a pair in the science room. But since they’ve been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other.”
The woman nodded sympathetically, “The trill is gone.”
“My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage.” –Glen Super
Old & New Biblical Humour
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan…)
A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness timidly approached the check-in desk of a large Melbourne hotel.
“Good evening, sir,” said the official behind the desk, favoring the young man with a perceptive wink. “Suite 16?”
“Oh, no!” the young man responded quickly. “She’s eighteen.”
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.
The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.
The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.
The statistician jumped up and down screaming, “We got him! We got him!”
A woman goes into a dentist’s office for a check up. After he is through examining her he says,” I’m sorry to tell you this, but I’m going to have to drill that tooth.”
“Oooooooohhhh!,” says the woman. “I’d rather have a baby!” To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”
At the church’s husband’s marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the audience “Well, I’v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary! The Priest immediately commented, “Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary…”
Luigi proudly replied, ” I’m-a gonna go and-a get her.”
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, “Big Lobster Tales, $5 each.”
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, “Five dollars each for lobster tails — is that correct?”
“Yes,” she said. “It’s our special just for today.”
“Well,” he said, “they must be little lobster tails.”
“No,” she replied, “it’s the really big lobster.”
“Big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he said, amazed. “They must be old lobster tails!”
“No, they’re definitely today’s.”
“Today’s big red lobster tails — $5 each?” he repeated, astounded.
“Yes,” she insisted.
“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said. “I’ll take one.”
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, “Once upon a time there was a really big, red lobster…”
A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.”
The husband replies, “What did he say about your 55-year old arse?”
She replied, “Your name never came up.”