The Chinese have finally done it.
They now have the most sought after capability of modern technology.
They can deliver take-out to the International Space Station.
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
“Next question,” announced the instructor. “How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?”
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, “How do you spell ‘intellectual?'”
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought “The Almighty” had given him two feet.
Without hesitation, the son replied, “That’s easy, one for the brake and one for the accelator.”
The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, “Know what this is for?”
“No, sir,” replies the newbie.
“I use it on navigators that get us lost,” explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
“What’s THAT for?” queries the surprised captain.
“Well, sir,” replies the navigator, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!”
The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….”
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while the priest says to the Rabbi “Tell me Rabbi, it is still against your religion to eat pork?”
“Yes” replies the Rabbi.
“Excuse me for asking” says the Priest, “But have you ever been tempted”
“Yes, I once ate a ham sandwich” says the Rabbi.
After a while the Rabbi turns to the Priest and says “Tell me Father, is it still part of your religion to remain celibate?”
“Yes” replies the Priest.
“Excuse me for asking” says the Rabbi, “But have you ever been tempted?”
“Yes, I was once tempted by the sins of the flesh and went with a woman” says the Priest.
After a short pause, the Rabbi turns to the Priest and says “Beats a ham sandwich doesn’t it”.
Co-workers sympathised as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. “Why don’t you wait till your husband gets home?” someone asked. “I could,” my mother told the group,” but the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it.”
Mother rabbit hops out of the burrow and tastes a turnip. She says to Father rabbit “that turnip tastes pithy”. Father rabbit tries it and says, “You’re right, it does taste pithy”. Baby rabbit pops out of the burrow at that point and says “That’s because I just pithed on it”.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana at Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
Some Christian one-liners
- Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember Moses started out as a basket case.
- The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
- People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
- Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
- Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
- I don’t know why some people change churches;? what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
- Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,”Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, “What’s wrong, honey?” She replied,
“What happened to my booger?”
This weeks must see website, this one isn’t funny, just down right amazing!