A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Why dogs & cats are better than kids because: they eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill’s henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
Late one night, a man walks into a dentist’s surgery and says,
Man: “Excuse me, can you help me. I think I’m a moth.”
Dentist: “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.”
Man: “Yes, I know.”
Dentist: “So why did you come in here?”
Man: “Well, the light was on.”
Teacher: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on talking to people who are no longer interested?
Parker: A Teacher
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Johnny being in there.”
“No,” said the doctor calmly, “He’ll be quiet when he gets to the poisons.”
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
“I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!”
The groomer replied, “That may be true. But then you don’t bite, do you?!”
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.
The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.
The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.
The statistician jumped up and down screaming, “We got him! We got him!”
Q: What’s the difference between snot and broccoli?
A: You can’t make kids eat broccoli.
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though theyhated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yellingcould be heard deep into the night The old man would shout, “When I die,I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt youfor the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because ofthe many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, hedied of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she wentstraight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid thathe may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and comeback to haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down…….”
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.
During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.
“How often do you do that?” one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, “Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first.”
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
Things to ponder
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, “Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the “hard earned thirst” quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said,
“Nice going Davo! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat.”