What a woman says:
“This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes
to wear if we don’t do laundry right now!”
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, “C’MON!
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!”
A guy was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”
His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.”
Q. What type of car did Moses drive?
A. A triumph of course! The bible states “Moses came down from the mount in his triumph”
“Starbucks is raising the price of a cup of coffee to $5.00. Don’t worry, you’ll still get the sneer from the girl with a nose ring serving your coffee.” –Jay Leno
“Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it.” –Dave Letterman
Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, “How do you like your new baby brother?”
“Oh, he’s all right,” the child shrugged. “But there were a lot of things we needed worse.”
“Here’s to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.” –Ambrose Bierce
Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. “I’d like a pint of canary-colored paint,” he says.
“Certainly,” says the clerk. “Mind if I ask why you need it?”
“My parakeet,” says Jim. “See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he’s sure to win.”
“Well, you can’t do that!” the assistant says. “The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!”
“No, they won’t,” Jim replies.
“Listen, Buddy, I’ll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him.”
“You’re on!” says Jim.Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.
“So the paint killed your bird?”
“Indirectly,” Jim says. “He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn’t survive the sanding between coats.”
Strange how much you’ve got to know before you know how little you know.
The preacher headed out early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half- hour late, he saw the backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and l lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
A woman walks into an expensive dress store and announced to the owner, ” I am the greatest salesperson ever, and I want a job.”
“Well, that is quite a statement,” the owner responded, “but right now I just don’t have any openings.
The assertive woman continued, “How many dresses does your best salesperson sell in a day?”
“Usually 5 or 6” the owner responded.
The woman persevered, “I’ll sell 15 without pay or commission, just to show you how good I really am.”
Well, the owner knew this was definitely in her favor, and that she couldn’t lose. An hour before the dress shop closed, the dynamic sales person had sold 18 dresses.
She asked the owner, “Do I get the job now?”
Hesitantly, the owner replied, “Well I have one more test for you.” The owner went to the back and returned with just about the ugliest dress you could imagine. “Sell this dress by the time the store closes, and the job is yours.”
Thirty minutes later the woman approaches the owner, with the sales receipt from the dress in hand.
“I’m impressed,” said the owner, “how did you do it?”
“Getting the woman to buy it wasn’t that hard, but distracting the seeing eye dog was a challenge!”
Do You Speak Computer-ese?
- Home is where you hang your @.
- The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
- C:\ is the root of all directories.
- Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- There’s no place like http://www.home.com
- Don’t byte off more than you can view.
- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about,he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
“Get well quick…..from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. “Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the Matchmaker.
“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.”
“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”
“I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine.”