“The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.” —George Deukmejian
This lady goes to the pharmacy to buy her husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to her and asks if she needs some assistance.
“I’m looking for some deodorant for my new husband,” she says, “but I don’t know what type he uses.”
“Is it the ball type?” The clerk asks.
“No,” replies the lady, “it’s for his underarms.”
“She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint.” –Billy Connolly
“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.” –Bill Cosby
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ‘”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, “I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replied, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.” Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. “Two dogs, please,” said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their ‘dogs.’
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, “What part did you get?”
A man walks into a chemist with his eight-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called co ndo ms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a six pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…..”
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, “Where is everybody?”
The bartender replies, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”
“Hanging? Who are they hanging?”
“Brown Paper Pete,” the bartender replies.
“What kind of a name is that?” asks the cowboy.
“Well,” says the bartender, “he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes.”
“Weird guy,” says the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”
“Rustling,” replies the bartender.
Back in the sixties, there were two black guys in a small hotel in Mississippi with a long evening ahead and nothing to do. One guy says to the other, “Why don’t we call the desk and have them send up a couple of white girls for the evening?”
“Are you crazy?” exclaimed the second. “Ask for white girls in Mississippi?”
“Why not,” said the first. I’m just figuring on making love to them. I don’t plan on going to school with them.”
Some clean bible riddles
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden.
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan…)
While attending a revalidation course for my First Aid Certificate, we were brushing up on our CPR technique and how to find the right spot to place your hands. A very earnest young man asked how you managed when your patient was a woman who was ‘quite big on top’. The instructor, herself a fairly well endowed lass, explained that when you lie down they kind of slip round to the sides under the arms. The expression on the young man’s face while he tried to picture this, – Priceless
I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.
“Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage,” I observed casually. “A person has no idea what he’s getting until it’s too late.”“I know, I know,” he replied. “I’ve had three cantaloupes.”
Q: Did you hear about the unique platypus?
A: He was unlike all the otters.
Q: Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room?
A: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.
A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just making love. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, “Man, oh Man, I finally did it! I’m no longer a virgin.”
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?”
“Well,” the guy explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose it.”
Astounded, the girl replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh, Goodness no!” the guy says. “I just got sick of waiting.”
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.
“Not bad,” said the priest, “but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death.”
“What on earth is that?” asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
“Nuns with scissors.”
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very attractive 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies. “What, did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”