How about some golf quips
- Lee Trevino: “You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.”
- Unknown . “Golf is not a game, it’s bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.”
- Lee Trevino: “Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.”
- Lee Trevino: “I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.”
- Jimmy Demaret: “Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.”
- Jack Lemmon: “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.”
- Unknown: “Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it’s called the PGA Tour.”
- John Updike: “Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.”
Q. What adjective would you use to describe a gloworm that can no longer glow?
A. He’d be delighted!
Q. Why was the grass seed sad?
A. Because it was forlorn!
Q. What do bees say when it’s hot?
A. Ssssswarm!
During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a pro- spective juror some questions. “Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?”
“None whatsoever,” Ferguson answered.
“Are you opposed to capital punishment?” the judge asked.
“Certainly not in this case.”
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance agent. Ask about our Whole-Life packages.”
There was this priest who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.”
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?”
God smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”
“Scientists are trying to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. They’re trying to make a human with a lucky foot.” –Jay Leno
The story about the breast fed baby at the kindy reminded me of what happened when my children were small.
They were both adopted, so obviously, the bottle was my only option. We started going to a play group after we moved towns, and there were a lot of nursing mothers in that group with their babies and toddlers.
My son, who was then about 4, was absolutely amazed, as he assumed babies were all fed the same way as his sister. He asked, very loudly, if it was chocolate in one and strawberry in the other! All the mothers had a good laugh that day.
An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce.
The solicitor asks, “Does he beat you?”
“No, sorr.”
“Does he keep you short of money?”
“No, sorr.”
“Is he a perpetual drunkard?”
“No, sorr.”
“Is he unfaithful to you?”
“Ah, we’ve got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child.”
Students were asked to write about the discoveries that Christopher Columbus made particularly in reference to him sailing around the world. One students response was supposed to read “Christopher Columbus circumnavigated the globe with a 30 foot cutter” (meaning the type of boat) but instead wrote “Christopher Columbus circumcised the globe with a 30 foot cutter”. The teacher reading this nearly fell off his chair laughing.
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2005 winners:
- Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
- Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
- Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.4 Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
- Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
- Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn’t get it.
- Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
- Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bu mmer.
- Glibido: All talk and no action.
- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.