An American journalist was stopped at a Russian checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya. The Russian soldier said, “Get out of the car and open the trunk!” The American replied, “I’m sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can’t take my foot off the brake or it’ll roll back down the hill.”
So the Russian says, “Do you take me for a FOOL?!” as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. “Now, go and open the trunk!”
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. “Now,” shouts the Russian from inside the car, “is there any contraband in there?”
Two guys are chatting in a bar.
One says, “Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”
“Damn,” says his friend. “And I just joined the Rotary.”
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, “Peter. England. Pole throwing.” The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, “McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing. The guards let him in also.
The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, “Murphy. Ireland. Fencing.”
A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.
“No” the talented blonde artist said. “I don’t do that sort of thing.”
“I’ll increase your fee two times,” he said. “No, no thanks.”
“I’ll give five times as much as you normally get.” “Okay,” said the artist, “But you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes.”
A church has a proforma Funeral service, one for deceased males and one for deceased females.
When someone dies, they go to the relevant male or female Funeral service Order on computer and change the names of the deceased in the Church order of Service.
Everything was going well until Mary died, and then the next deceased person was Carol. The Rev. went to the computer and changed all “Mary” to “Carol”. Everything went well until the apostles creed, with the part “and born of the virgin Carol”
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, “Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me.”
His wife was hurt but said, “Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you.” They embraced and kissed, and everything was fine until they got to the seventeenth tee.
As the husband was starting his back swing his wife blurted out, “I’m sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me your news. Since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also: 32 years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.”
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, “You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul…and all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies tees!”
An Irish man went to the job counseller who told him he was going to carry out an IQ test to determin what sort of job he could undertake. Well said the Irishman what sort of job could I do if I had an IQ of 160″ with an IQ of 160 you could be a brain surgeon.
Well what if it was 130 You could be a GP. and 100 you could be a tradesman well what if it was 40 if it was 40 you could not even tie your shoe laces.
Oh so that’s why Australians wear thongs replied the Irishman.
“Did you hear about these guys that were lost at sea for nine months? They were found and rescued. The first thing they said when they got to shore was, ‘Mel Gibson said what?!'” –David Letterman
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, “It’s your fuel pump.”
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. “Who said that?” he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, “It’s your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again.”
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. “Gimme a large whiskey, please!” he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man’s ashen face and asked, “What’s wrong, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” “It’s unbelievable,” the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. “A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?”
The man replied to the affirmative. “Yes, it was! Am I crazy?”
“No, you ain’t crazy. In fact, you’re lucky,” said the rancher, “because that black horse don’t know nothin about cars.”
During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.
Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self- restraint, meekness, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t need if you stayed single.”
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”
The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”
The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”
The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”
The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?” The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."