I’d had enough of my employees’ abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."
My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a strict military code of ethics as well as a quick wit. One day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my belly- button pierced. "No way!" my father fired back. "This is an Air Force family — no navel destroyers are allowed!"
Our daughter moved out of home over a year ago. We really miss her so were very excited when townhouses began to be built across to road to our place. I rang her immediately, suggesting she should quickly put down a deposit on one before they all sold. There was silence on the end of the line for a few seconds before she responded that she didn’t want to take the risk. I assured her that if she was worried about missing a payment now and then, we would certainly help her out.
"It isn’t that," she moaned. "I don’t want to risk you turning into the grandmother from that T.V. show ‘Everyone Loves Raymond!’
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on a 20-foot extension ladder with a coathanger." -Steven Wright
Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.
"My wife is mad at me again," says the first.
"I was bombed at the bar across the street last night and she came looking for me."
"What’d you do?"
"I asked her for her phone number."
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island.
Which leads to the question, ‘If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?’" -Jay Leno
This Irish bus driver decided to do things a little differently. Instead of jumping over buses on a motorcycle he decided to jump over some motorcycles in his bus. So he lined up a few motorcycles and off he went. He would’ve made it too but halfway across someone rang the bell…..
A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’ The Rabbi asked, ‘What’s wrong?’ The man replied, ‘My wife is poisoning me.’ The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘How can that be?’ The man then pleads, ‘I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’ The Rabbi then offers, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.’
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, ‘Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?’
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, ‘Take the poison.’
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, "I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here’s some good news," said the secretary.
"You’re not sterile."
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000.00 ring.
The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’ At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000.00’ the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the older man.
‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’
"Be alert…the world needs more lerts." — Anonymous
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Blackpool. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck’s going on up here?
We’re having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered "Yeah, but you’ve got a driver…"
"There’s a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they’d eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn’t true." –Ian Hart
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn’t decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceler- ation, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is chaep!
During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"