What’s the difference between Australia Post and an elephant?
Dunno! Well I won’t ask you to go and post a letter!!
Q. Why did the boy take toilet paper to the party?
A. He was a real party pooper!!!!!
Q. What did they call winnie the poo when he got run over.
A. A Dead Shi_!!!
Girl: You remind me of the sea.
Boy: Why? Because I’m so wild, romantic and unpredictable?
Girl: No. Because you make me sick.
"Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" –Rita Rudner
Quasimodo saw an advert for a bell-ringer at Notre Dame Cathedral, applied and got it. The sexton said as a joke, ‘You have to strike the bell with your head to make it ring.’ Quasimodo did so, even though it made his head ring. But when he hit it 12 times at noon, he was so concussed he staggered around the belfry and fell out, hitting the ground below with a splat. Two citizens were walking past, and one said ‘Who on earth is that?’
The other said ‘I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.’
The next week, Quasimodo’s brother sees the advert for a replacement bell-ringer, applies and gets the job. Again, the sexton conned him into ringing the bell with his head.
Again at noon, he gets concussed and falls out, hitting the ground with a splat, as the same two citizens come along.
‘Who on earth is that?’ said the first.
The other said, ‘I don’t know, but he’s the dead ringer of the guy who was here last week.’
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.
When a man gets married he has 3 rings
- An engagement ring
- A wedding ring and
- Suffering
"The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."–Dave Letterman
A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British gent pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, "Aye, aye, aye! You look ‘armless! ‘op in!"
DIARY OF A BLONDE
JAN : Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
FEB : Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in typewriter !!!
MAR : Got really excited – finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months – box said “2-4 years”!
APR : Trapped on escalator for hours – power went out!
MAY : Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions – 8 cups of water won’t fit into those tiny packets!!!!
JUN : Tried to water-ski – couldn’t find a lake with a slope
JUL : Lost breast stroke swimming contest – learned later the other swimmers cheated – they used their arms
AUG : Got locked out of my car in rain storm – car swamped because soft-top was open
SEP : The capital of California is “C” – isn’t it???
OCT : Hate Smarties – they are so hard to peel!
NOV : Baked turkey for 41/2 days – instructions said 1 hour per pound – and I weigh 108!!!
DEC : Couldn’t call 911 – duh – there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!
This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.
A fisherman’s wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, "Excuse me ma’am but I need to speak to your husband.
Can you tell me where he is?"
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."
Answering Machine Recording: You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now… Now press the other one."
"The Olympics have started and the skies over Beijing are very smoggy. The government says the pollution is just a harmless mist. They made a similar statement about the treatment of prisoners — it’s not torture, it’s Pilates."-Craig Ferguson
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity… (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…
- One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?