I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.
Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
A: "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back."
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?’
Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles."
So they rowed a little farther…. Again Bubbles asked Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough NOW?
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.
So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface.
Gasping for breath she said, ‘OK, it’s finally deep enough.
Hand me the shovel.
"People magazine reportedly paid Angelina Jolie $14 million for pictures of her twins. You can read about the deal in Jolie’s new self-help book, ‘How to Have Babies for Fun and Profit.’" -Conan O’Brien
A man walks into a store to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks ‘I have an idea. It’s so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on – do the modelling naked – return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself’.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says ‘Stone me. It wasn’t that creased in the shop’.
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’
I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady’s handbag, but she was putting up a hell of a fight and wouldn’t let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn’t see anything.
I finally decided that I should help.
She was a tough old bird, but the three of us finally got that handbag.
My daughters date for graduation turned up at the pre dinner drinks and asked a friends Mum if she could please stitch a button onto his jacket for him. He said “I don’t have one of those things at home to do it”, when she suggested he meant a needle he said “No, a Mum.”
The three Dolls in a man’s life are:
1……..His Daughter, ‘Baby doll’
2……..His Girlfriend, ‘Barbie doll’
3……..His Wife, ‘Panadol ‘
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’
And then the fight started…..
"The other week I went to see my doctor … I was in the waiting room, and I decided to pass the time finishing a novel. But the other patients complained about the noise of the typewriter." –Arthur Brown
In a brave and decisive move, disregarding the counsel of many of his conservative advisors, President Bush asked Congress to increase the penalty for corporate malfeasance from not going to jail for 10 years to not going to jail for 20 years.
"Guess what I heard today?" a man says to his wife.
"What, hon?" she asks.
"The mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one."
"Huh," his wife says, "I bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis next-door."
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I’ll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."
"Don’t worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."
"Jamaica?" Bob asked.
"No, it was her idea."