The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

I always find that the first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

So good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, sure dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub in Westport in the County Mayo, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

“Did this actually happen to you?” they asked.
“Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

I answered a 911 call at our emergency dispatch center from a woman who said her water broke.

“Stay calm,” I advised. “Now, how far apart are your contractions?”

“No contractions,” she said breathlessly. “But my basement is flooding fast.”

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!

Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.

Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said, “Why did you put up such a fight?”

To which the man promptly replied, “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement, the barrister, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the barrister said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the barrister said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I believe that you should return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury retired to deliberate. Some time later, the jury returned, and when the jury foreman was asked for his verdict, he pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the barrister. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied:
“Yes, we did look.

But your client didn’t.”

“Road kill is now legal to eat in Illinois. It’s part of their new ‘Meals Under Wheels’ program.” -Jay Leno

I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.

“I’m assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?” I asked.

The waitress responded proudly, “I’m self-absorbed.”

This is a warning!!
Never force children to pray.

At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer by his father.
BOY: But I don’t know how to pray.
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc
BOY: “Dear Lord,” he started
Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cake and ice cream.
Bless them so they won’t come again!
Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s blackberry mobile phone, and provide shelter to the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work.. AMEN

That evening Mom and Dad did not have dinner……

It’s 2012 and it’s the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian want to get in, but they haven’t got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

“McTavish, Scotland ,” he says, “Discus” and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

“Waddington-Smith, England” he says, “Pole vault” and in he walks.

The Australian looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.

“Jones, Australia ” he says, “Fencing.”

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said:

“Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked: “Do you shave?”

“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”

“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department…..very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?”

“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”

“Why are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”

“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!”

Q: What does a jellyfish have on its tummy?
A: A jelly button.

Q: Why was the ancient Egyptian confused?
A: Because his daddy was also his mummy.

: Have you heard the one about the skunk?
A: Never mind, it really stinks.

Q: Have you heard the one about the germ?
A: Never mind, it’ll spread.

Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!

Q: What has 4 wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!