"A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, ‘Cool, I saved $380 this year!’" -Jimmy Fallon
It’s just dawned on me….
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick…
I think my dog is a member of Parliament!
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate" the arm says.
The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem… Your arm is broke!"
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, idly chatting and watching the front door of the house of ill repute across the road. They see the local Methodist pastor appear, knock on the door and quickly go inside.
"Would you look at that!" exclaims the first Irishman. "Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites those Methodists are??"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the house door, knocks, and also disappears inside.
"Dere’s another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and silly hats!"
They continue drinking while roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their local Catholic priest knock on the house door.
"Ah, now dat’s sad," says the third Irishman, "One of the girls must have died."
A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got male!"
‘Writing: For the Sell of It’ was the theme of our community college’s annual writers’ conference. When I called a widely published author and asked him to be our keynote speaker, my request was met with a long silence. He finally said, "I don’t know what I would say to that audience."
"You’re just being modest," I replied. "I’m sure you’re extremely qualified to speak on that subject."
He suddenly broke into laughter. "I thought you said, ‘Writing for the Celibate!’"
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton ‘s private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal!
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think,’ he said, ‘when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn’t do something so self-indulgent!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: I found out who p*ssed in your saxophone."
A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers’ lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. ‘Uh, yes, Officer’?
The cop asks: ‘What are you doing’?
The young man says: ‘Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine’.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ‘ And her, what is she doing’?
The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails’.
Now, the cop is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover’s lane …
And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: ‘What’s your age, young man’?
The young man says: ‘I’m 19, sir’.
The cop asks: ‘ And her, ….. what’s her age’?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: ‘She’ll be 16 in 11 minutes.. ‘
Q: What did the mother skunk say to her teenage skunk?
A: Don’t stink and drive.
Q: Why did the farmer feed his sheep iron-enriched vitamins?
A: He wanted to get steel wool.
Q: Why did the cat sit on the computer?
A: To keep an eye on the mouse.
Q: Where do American cows come from?
A: Moo York.