The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can’t forget the date."

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application. I should have taking advice on vehicles before making a decision. "


I do not enjoy computer jokes . Not one bit .

When chemists die, they barium .

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .

How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me .

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity . I can’t put it down .

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations .

Energizer battery arrested . Charged with battery .

I didn’t like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .

On a very cold and frosty morning, a woman txts her husband, "Windows frozen".
He replies, "Pour over some warm water".
A few minutes later, she txts back, "Computer totally stuffed now".

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

"’Titanic’ is being re-released in 3-D, and they tried to update it a little bit to play to the younger crowd. In the new version, the captain hits the iceberg because he’s texting." -Jay Leno

A man is in a queue at a railway station in a large American city. The young woman dispensing the tickets is extremely attractive with large, full breasts and the man can’t help but admire them. The woman, sensing his unwavering gaze begins to feel more and more uncomfortable. When he gets to the front of the queue, her voice is cold and accusing.

"Will you stop staring at me like that?" she says.
"Like what?" replies the man, clearly embarrassed.
"You’re staring at my breasts and I don’t like it."
"I’m not!" he protested.
"Yes, you are. You’ve been staring at them since you joined the queue."
"I was looking at your necklace," he stammered. "I’m a jeweller by profession."
"You were staring at my breasts!"
"I was not!" he insisted.
"Okay, okay. What do you want?"
"Thank you. Two pickets to Tittsburgh, please."

"All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it." -Samuel Butler

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they’re both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn’t feel a thing."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds..
After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy Father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to Treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’

Paddy buys the new automatic BMW X8 sport.
He drives the car perfectly well during the day but, at night, the car just won’t move at all.
He tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.
Furious, he calls the BMW dealers and they send a technician out to him.
The technician asks, "Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Paddy replies angrily, "You idiot man! How can you ask? I’m no fool! D for daytime and N for night."

My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you’d be able to retire at age 65?"

"Yes, I remember," I said.

"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 108."

A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you’re really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.

Q: Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A: Just in case they get a hole in one.

Q: Why does the sky cry?
A: Because it’s blue.

Q: What illness did everyone on the Starship Enterprise catch?
A: Chicken spocks!

Q: What did King George think of the American colonists?
A: He thought they were revolting!

Q: Why did Sally give up on her ballet lessons?
A: Because they were too too difficult.

Q: Why does it take longer to run from second to third base than it does from first to second?
A: Because you have a short stop between second and third.