The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly 2 hours today after a player reported an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Robbie Deans immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the TRY LINE.

Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again!

How to start a fight

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

So there’s this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following sign: “This parking space belongs to the Wizard. Violators will be toad.”

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
“I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station.

While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it with no problem: the police then waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice.

An old man, Mr. Andrews, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Barb asked him if there was anything wrong.
“Yes, Nurse Barb,” said Mr. Andrews.

“My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Andrews. Please accept my condolences.”

The following day, Mr. Andrews was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Barb. “Mr. Andrews,” she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’

“But, Nurse Barb I can’t,” replied Mr. Andrews. “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”

“Yes,” said Nurse Barb, “you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”

“Well,” he replied, “Today is the viewing.”

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. “Honey,” my Dad finally said one day, “why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget.'”

“It is,” she said. “I just don’t want you to forget that I’ve forgiven and forgotten.”

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’. A spokesman for the channel
said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the
humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were $80! Blow that, I thought, I can get one
cheaper off the web.

Q: What did the necktie say to the hat?
A: You go on a head. I’ll hang around for awhile.

Q: Why did the deck of cards get in trouble?
A: The joker was wild.

Q: How do they fry their eggs in Never-Never-Land?
A: With a Peter Pan.

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: You neak up on him.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way – you neak up on him.

Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A twig.