A bear walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a gin…………………………………….and tonic.
Bartender says, sure buddy but whats up with the long pause?
The bear looks at his hands and say I dunno, my dad had them too.
The flying instructor had just delivered a lecture on the use of parachutes.
"And if it doesn’t open?" someone asked
"If it doesn’t open, repeated the instructor. "Well ….that gentlemen, is known as jumping to a conclusion".
A blonde texted the following message to her hubby who was away on business and attached a cellphone photo. "This is exactly the way the dashboard looks" she wrote. "do we need a quart of oil?"
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.
"You’d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That’s why I want the divorce."
A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards; are two slices of crisp bacon!"
"Oh. OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
A young Adelaide woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he’s screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Kangaroo Island Ferry."
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…
You know what Martha?’
‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck….’
I would just like to share an experience with you and it has to do With drinking and driving. As you know I have had brushes with the Authorities on the way home from the odd event over the years? Well I Have done something about it: .
Last night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too Much beer and wine, knowing full well I was drunk, I did Something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home Safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had Never driven a bus before!
- Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a millipede?
A: Drumsticks for everyone.
Q: Why was the ancient Egyptian confused?
A: Because his daddy was also his mummy.
Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: We’ve got problems.
Q: What do you get when you cross a wolf with a ceramicist?
A: A hairy potter.
Q: What does the gorilla call his girlfriend?
A: His prime mate.