On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?
"No," said the little boy………….. "It’s a puppy!"
My mother told me, "You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!’
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.’
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet…"
The rabbit says, "I know! I’m a rabbit! Yippee!"
Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you’re long and thin, and slimy all over, and there’s a little forked tongue…"
The snake says, "Oh no, I’m a lawyer!"
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair . . . and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair!"
His father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I’ve been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he’d have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don’t count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I’m the groom."
After both suffering depression for a while,
My husband and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once he killed himself I started to feel a lot better,
So I thought, the hell with it, …….I’ll soldier on..!
I dialed a number and got the following recording:** ** "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
"Don’t worry, I can stay out as late as I want to tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."
"Jamaica?" Bob asked.
"No, it was her idea."
A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, "Doc, you have to help. I think I’m a dog."
The doctor says, "How long have you had this feeling?"
The man responds, "Ever since I was a puppy."
Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.
Q: Did you hear the story about the peacock?
A: It’s a beautiful tail!
Q: Why didn’t the banana snore?
A: He didn’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Q: What is a spiders favorite TV show?
A: The newly web game!
Q: What do you call a big Irish spider?
A: Paddy long legs!