I was driving around and around a packed parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.
"Going out?" I called to them hopefully.
"No," said the man. "Just friends."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead… Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?’
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church…. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ tink £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t yiz tell me the dog was Catholic?
Two little boys in my class been quite disruptive, so I told them to stay behind for a little chat about their behaviour when the rest of the class went out to play.
"Can you remember why I kept you both in for detention today?" I asked the first.
The other boy smiled and hissed across the room, "Don’t say anything! She’s forgotten what we did and we might still get out to play footy
A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "Man, what a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!"
The wife replies, "Now you know how I feel."
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ‘ Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time? ‘
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, ‘ Honey, please… just one more time before I die. ‘
She says, ‘ Of course, Dear, ‘ and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. ‘ Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could… ‘
At this point the wife sits up and says, ‘ Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning… you don’t. ‘
It’s 2012 and it’s the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven’t got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O’Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."
"A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is not day at the beach either." -Jay Leno
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for s*x?" the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
Q: What did the man who was just cloned say?
A: "I’m beside myself!"
Q: Why didn’t the baby goose believe anything his father said?
A: He thought it was all papagander.
Q: What is the noisiest game?
A: Tennis, you can’t play it without raising a racket.
Q: What holds the sun up in the sky?
A: Sunbeams.
Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!