"Miami was voted the worst road rage city. You have 20-year- olds doing 95, and 95-year-olds doing 20, that’s why."
-Craig Ferguson
The first time I met my wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at my health club and I was an out-of-shape new member. After one grueling workout, I gasped, "This is really helping me get toned." She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family."
She raised an eyebrow, "Apparently not enough." .
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out.
This student got back his test and $56 change.
- Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee..
- Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
- Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
- Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
- Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..
- Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
- Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
- Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
- Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
- Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.
After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We’ll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath.’"
"A new survey found that 55 percent of men expect to pay on the first date. While the other 45 percent have never been on a second date." -Jimmy Fallon
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.’
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
‘Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line,the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!’
‘Lucky?’ he screamed. ‘Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24 .’
Incredible!!!,’ says the bingo caller. ‘You’ve won the raffle as well !!
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, ‘Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.’
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.’
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of tooth- paste, a bottle of soda pop, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"
Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How’d you guess?"
She replies, "Because you’re ugly."
Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
A: Lost.
Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?
A: Nice belt.
Q: Where does v+rgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep!
Q: How are stupid dogs and dumb doctors alike?
A: Neither one can heel!