The Fabulous Friday Funnies

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"


After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret: "I put our teenage son’s jocks in his underwear drawer."


A young woman really thought she’d been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, So… how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied…. "Thrown."


DURING a shopping outing in Ireland with her sisters, Agnes O’Brien sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news.

"There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year".

Visibly shaken, Agnes stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the crystal, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"


In order to assist people who not familiar with the game of Cricket, we offer this explanation . . . . .

Cricket is a game in which there are 2 sides – one out on the field, and the other in.
Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in, then the next man goes out until he’s out and then he comes in.

When the side that is in is all out, the side that has been out goes in, and the side that was in goes out and tries to get out the side that went in.

Sometimes there are men still in and not out when the side that is in is finally out.
When both sides have been in and out, including those not out and no longer in – that is the end of the game . .”


CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 21st October 2010
RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along.
And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline


FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 22nd October 2010
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.


FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 23rd October 2010
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only’, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.


FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 24th October 2010
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, L*sbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply ‘No Sugar’ desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!

Pauline.


FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: 25th October 2010
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party.

Vegetarians… I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right NOW !!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Witch from HELL!!!


FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
TO: All Employees
DATE: 26th October 2009
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John Benson.


Q: What would you name a dog with no legs?
A: Marlboro since every night you have to take him out for a drag.

Q: Have you heard of the mechanic who worked on mufflers all day?
A: At night he was exhausted.

Q: Why did the child study in the airplane?
A: He wanted a higher education.

Q: How did the farmer fix his jeans?
A: With a cabbage patch.