The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What’s this?" she asked.

"It’s a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It’s for holding up stockings."

"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we’ll use it next Christmas Eve."

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.
"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I Don’t know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

One day Robyn was minding her Grandchildren and the littlest was practising spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mum had been proudly displayed for all to see. This morning she bounded into the room with her arms outstretched. In her hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. “Look what I spelled, Nan!”
with a proud smile on her face.

“That’s wonderful!” Grandmother – Robyn – praised her. “Now go put them on the fridge so Mum can see when she gets home.” So Robyn happily thought that her Christian encouragement to her Grandchildren was certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: “Nan?
How do you spell ‘zilla’?”

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. "I haven’t gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it’s too late for me. I’ve probably already broken all seven commandments.”

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. "I’m sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."

Still half asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife’s inflamed appendix out a couple of years before.
"Whoever heard of a second appendix?" I asked.

"You may not have heard of a second appendix," he replied, "but surely you’ve heard of a second wife.

A 10-year-old student came up to me crying her eyes out while I was on playground duty. Fearing the worst, I asked her what was upsetting her. I was told her best friend wouldn’t play with her and that it had hurt her feelings. I called the best friend over and asked her why she had chosen not to play with the other girl.

"Oh, that’s easy!" she said. "She told me that she had a voice and she was going to use it AND SHE DID!!!"

God tells Adam that he has decided to give him a companion called a woman.

Adam says, "A woman? What’s that?"

God explains, "She will be beautiful beyond your wildest dreams. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be your most trustworthy friend, a fantastic lover, and a brilliant conversationalist. She will be a gourmet cook, a wonderful homemaker, and will bear your well-behaved, thoughtful children who will always get along with one another. And finally, she will, of course, laugh at all your jokes."

"Wow!" says Adam. "That sounds great! How are you going to make this woman?"

God replies, "I’m going to need to remove one of your legs."

"Hmm," says Adam. "What could I get for a rib?"

"Police in San Diego are looking for a 78-year-old bank robber they have nicknamed the ‘Geezer Bandit.’ Victims of the Geezer Bandit’s last robbery say he threatened to tell them stories of his grandkids." -Craig Ferguson

The Israelis are close to deploying an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at most airports.

It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
They see this as a win-win for everyone with none of this rubbish about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed!

Picture this. You would be in the airport terminal and hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system . . . "Attention EL AL standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number XXXX. Shalom! And have a pleasant flight." Followed by:
"Clean-up at security point A."

As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks’ performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.

"I love it!" she replied. "I’m getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life–shopping and criticizing people."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, ‘Boys and girls, what do we know about God?’

A hand shot up in the air. ‘He is an artist!’ said the kindergarten boy.

Really? How do you know?’ the teacher asked.

‘You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven…. ‘

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: ‘I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.’

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

‘Is there anything breakable in here?’ asked the postal clerk.

‘Only the Ten Commandments.’ answered the lady.

How not to become a member of senior management:

During a meeting, our bosses held a contest to name a new project. As members of the management team read through the entries, our CEO picked one out and asked, "Who knows what a phoenix is?"

A junior manager answered, "It’s a bird in Harry Potter."

Q: What do you get when you cross a wolf with a ceramicist?
A: A hairy potter.

Q: How do Priests travel from church to church?
A: By holy-copter.

Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

Q: Why was the turkey the drummer in the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks.