"According to the National Institute of Health, as people age, their brains respond less strongly to rewards. They say older people become less excited when they win some- thing. Whoever did this study has never seen a bingo game." -Jay Leno
I believe my little daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don’t know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though.
She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can see the ‘O’ and the ‘P’
and the ‘T,’ but not the ‘N’ and the ‘Z.’"
Two canaries, one of each gender, were newly house in a cage. The male sidled up to the female and asked could he spend a little time with her. She coolly rebuffed him, and he retired to the other side of the cage.
After a little time had passed, he thought there would be no harm in trying again, and sidled over to her side of the cage and asked again if he could spend a little time with her, to be met again with a very cool response.
A lot of time passed, and he made a third attempt, with the same result. More wary than before, he thought he’d try again, and sidled up to the female. "Oh, she said, "I’m sorry to have been so cool toward you but I’ve got a canarial disease called chirpies, and it is untweetable."
You know that you’re getting old when you don’t sleep with your teeth.
Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,
"Ya know, I reckon I’m about ready for a holiday. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii… I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn’t get pregnant again."
Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?"
Paddy says, "This year I’m taking Molly with me."
Some thoughts about men
- All men are animals… some just make better pets
- Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kinda like being the guy on a date.
- Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he’s too old for it.
- Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
- Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
- Men are all the same – they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
- Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.
- Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
Oldie but a goodie;
A young girl with her doctor for an examination.
Doctor: Big breath.
Girl: Yeth, and I’m only sithteen!
A chap walks into the council office, says to the receptionist, I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a councillor.
The receptionist replied certainly sir Please fill in this form. So he was filling in the form OK until he came to the question – Are you circumcised?
So he asked the receptionist – Is that question necessary?
She replied If you are circumcised you are not eligible – He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised? She replied To become a councillor you have to be a complete prick.
A snail was run over by a turtle.
The snail ended up in the hospital and his friends came to visit him. One of them asked "What happened?".
He said "I don’t know, it all happened so fast".
Q: Who are some of the werewolves’ cousins?
A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.
Q: Why are Venetian blinds the greatest invention in the history of mankind?
A: If it wasn’t for Venetian blinds, it would have been curtains for all of us.
Q: What’s a cat’s favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
Q: What do whale’s like to chew?
A: Blubber gum.
Q. What goes clip-clop. clip-clop, clip-clop – bang – clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop?
A. An Amish drive by murder.