Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large piece of red machinery.
Mick says "What the hell are you doing Paddy?"
Paddy replies "Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on lately and the therapist recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor."
Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven’t had a problem since."
"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that’s it!"
He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details about theirs.
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife calls up her mum and says, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you”. Mum said, “No no daughter, he must pay for his mistake, I am coming to stay with you.”
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.
"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.
"I am real," I said.
"Oh, I’m sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me.
What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
True story
The CEO and her deputy were visiting some wards that needed an equipment check before re-opening. I managed to follow the conversation really well and was writing down all the equipment from the acronyms they were using. They had gone through everything , BP machines, bed types, checking lines for oxygen – you name it. All abbreviated in hospital language. We had the list almost complete when the CEO said – oh gosh we need a TV – me, lifting my head said – what’s a TV? Duh!!
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, “Gee she’s fat!” The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy’s ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; “I’ll bet her butt is this wide!” The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, “Run, she’s backing
After delivering a lecture on drawing, I gave my art class its assignment–complete a self-portrait. A young man in the front row raised his hand and asked, "Of anyone?"
A lot of people can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in Bass Strait and off the coast of W.A.. Our dipsticks are located in Canberra
The problem – There’s a box with a hole at each end and there’s a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end.
Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later… etc., etc.
How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?
In theory, two minutes. In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like…Helloooooo?
It’s only 25 cents!!!!
Q: What do you call donating your body to a medical school?
A: A Dead Give-away!
Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a ceramicist?
A: A hairy potter!
Q: What did the picture say to the wall?
A: "I’ve been framed."
Q: How is a cat drinking milk like a track star?
A: They both enjoy taking a few laps.