The Fabulous Friday Funnies

On our way to Perth we dropped Toby off at the kennels (where he was born).

Both Toby’s mum and dad live there and there was also another younger dog that looked exactly like Toby.

Kris commented "That dog looks just like Toby"

The owner replied "Yes, that’s Toby’s half-brother".

Kris said nothing but I could see the cogs turning.

As we got into the car, Kris said "Mum, I didn’t know Toby’s dad had remarried!"

I had these visions of a dog dressed in white walking up the aisle and the marriage celebrant saying to the groom’ed dog "You may now sniff the bride".

"Until recently, I always thought an incontinence pad was holiday home in the South of France”.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine’. Wasn’t that nice?

A man walked into the doctors and said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go to those places anymore.’

Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered
726 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You’re running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You know you’re the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you’re doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

"Scientists say they have found the missing link. The link between man and monkey. It’s a little monkey. It lived on mostly twigs and berries — which makes it the direct ancestor of today’s supermodel." -Craig Ferguson

Confucius say

"A Lion will not betray his wife……. but a Tiger Wood."

"He who drives well on the fairway does not always fare well on the driveway."

A couple who have been happily married some thirty years are having a romantic dinner after a round of golf at their favourite golf club.

The husband decides to tell his wife how happy he’s been over the years. He then decides to tell her something that he’d kept secret for many years. He explained that once, early in the marriage he had been drunk and had been seduced by another woman. He said it had been a terrible mistake and he needed to tell her and hoped she would forgive him.

Without a moments hesitation his wife told him she forgave him. She then said she had a secret too. She told him that before they met she had been a man and had a s*x change operation.

She was grateful to have this opportunity to tell him. He was stunned and said he could never forgive her. "I just can’t believe it", he said "Now you tell me. All these years I’ve been letting you hit off the ladies tee!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what’s wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, . . . .

"Nothin’, but you left your Injun running."

This is a true story.

When Pete’s wife cooked dinner she always put it straight on the table for him. However, most days he would be home late, having stopped in at the pub for a few ales, and his dinner was on the table but cold. So he suggested to his wife "why don’t you put my dinner in the oven for me, dear, instead of leaving it on the table?"

He arrived home late again the next day to find his dinner in the oven and was quite pleased. He opened the door to take it out … it was a salad.

Q: What does DNA stand for?
A: National Dyslexia Association

Q: What’s the worst thing you’re likely to find in the school cafeteria?
A: The food!

Q: How do you make a butterfly?
A: Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife!

Q: Why was the thirsty alien hanging around the computer?
A: He was looking for the space bar!

Q: Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
A: Cause he was caught with seaweed.

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