The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Movie Quotes – The First Drafts

The Godfather
"I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Well, he can refuse it, of course. I just know that if someone were to make me an offer like this, I’d jump all over it. But who am I to impose my feelings on someone else?"

The Terminator
"I’ll be back. Do you need anything while I’m out?"

Dirty Harry
"You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? I ask myself that every day, and you know what?
I feel so very lucky. Loving family, steady work…"

Taxi Driver
"You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Sorry, it looked like you were talkin’ to me. My mistake."

All of us children were home for a few days. My mum had recently got a partial dental plate and was very embarrassed about it. One night she went to bed before us, leaving her plate in a glass of water on the kitchen sink.

We left her a note from the tooth fairy "Dear Mary, This is the last time I give you money. You can’t keep leaving out the same teeth every night." From then on the teeth were in a closed container!

The duck hunter from Lake Grace walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun. Just then a gust of wind blew and the shotgun fell over, and discharged … shooting himself in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a Perth hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.’"

"What’s the bad news ?" asked the hunter.

"’The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your p*nis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn’t too bad," the hunter said. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon ?"

"Not exactly," said the doctor. "She’s a flute player in the West Australian Symphony Orchestra."

There was an old Priest who got sick and tired of people in his parish who kept confessing to adult-ry. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said “if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”

No one wanted to see the old Priest leave, so the community decided to come up with a code word for the sin of adultery – they decided they would say they had “fallen” This seemed to satisfy the old Priest and things all went well, until the Priest died at a ripe old age.

A week or so after the new Priest arrived, he visited the Mayor and expressed his concern at the state of the pavements in his parish; he said “you must do something about the state of the paths in this town. When people come to confession on a Sunday all they keep talking about is having ‘fallen’

The Mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new Priest about the code word. The Priest a little perplexed by the Mayor’s attitude shook his finger at him and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about! Your wife fell three times last week!”

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s soft, sweet-sounding voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or fish?"

I said, "Thank you, I’ll have chicken."

She replied "You’re having soup, I was talking to the cat."

The top 10 Best Golf Caddy Remarks (Part 1)

No. 10
Golfer: "Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

No. 9
Golfer: "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."

No. 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

No. 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

No. 6
Golfer: "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

My cousin recently bought tickets over the internet to see psychic John Edward. This year he is appearing at the State Theatre. When she printed out her receipt it warned ‘Strictly no standing or dancing in the dress circle.’

The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan’s companion, but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she became a waitress at a roadside truckstop.

One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely, slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It’s the wrong way to tip a fairy, who’s a long way from home!"

Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Rough! Rough!

Q: What did Neptune say to Saturn?
A: Give me a ring sometime!

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.