Joke of the Year
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.
Is that right?" "Yes, that’s right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe-lace?"
While working for an organization that delivers meals to elderly people, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe thith!"
A woman said to her friend, "I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since."
My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off.
Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm.
Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them. I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands.
Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.
"It’s the smoke detector," they replied in unison.
"Do you know what that sound means?" I demanded.
"Sure," my oldest replied. "Dinner’s ready."
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." –Dennis Wholey
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘This is the Internal Revenue Service .. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’ ‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
My sister felt she was well prepared for her in-depth interview with several members of the police-academy board who would determine her suitability as a candidate. The first situation they presented to her was: "On routine patrol you see a car traveling at excessive speed, with undue care and attention. You pull it over and discover that the driver is your brother. What do you do?"
Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!"
She was accepted.
A blonde was standing in front of a drink machine outside of a local store. After putting in two dollars, a coke pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts another two dollars into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a sprite comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I’m not giving up this machine while I’m still winning!"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I’ll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years—accumulating all his words—before approaching his beloved.
Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling,
I have waited many years to say this: Will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"
From Annette Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I’ve just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That’s because he’s inside your cat."
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it’s mine?"
Q. What did the two acrobats say when they got married?
A. We’re head over heels in love!