Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."
That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.
"It’s late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?"
"Might as well," says Harry. "I’ll get in trouble if I go home."
Bring a newborn on a plane, and you get "The Look." Not one of "Oh, what a cute baby." It’s more "Please, God, don’t let that mom sit next to me." So when our baby began to wail just after takeoff, you could have cut the tension with a Tickle Me Elmo doll. Was my wife rattled? Not at all. She lullabied our daughter with, "I’m teething, on a jet plane. Don’t know when I’ll be calm again."
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
The joke from Tech Support about the ‘right click’ reminded me of an experience I had as a librarian with a tertiary level student a few years ago. I was working with students who were elite level athletes and performers, who usually hadn’t spent much of their life in front of computer screens. Brad was looking for some notes I’d put on the student access computer. He complained he’d looked for ‘the folder on the desktop’ and couldn’t see it anywhere. He was genuinely looking for a real folder on the real desktop, not the virtual ones.
"A new study says that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat would care one way or the other." -Jay Leno
An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing he’s inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy"
Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up!.
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered ‘no.’
"Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started collecting moths last month!"
My mother-in-law recently went to a garage sale with her friend Betty, who found a great basketball hoop and back board for her grandson. As the ladies could not fit their purchase into their small car, they asked the owner if it could be picked up later in the Betty’s husband’s truck when he was on his way home from work.
This was arranged, the owner saying he would be going out that night but would leave it behind his house. When Betty’s husband arrived home, he proudly pulled what he had been asked to collect out of his truck, not understanding why there was a look of panic on his wife’s face.
He had gone to the wrong house and dismantled someone else’s hoop! Feeling dreadful, they took it back, apologised to the people who were by then home, and picked up the real one.
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites. "Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth."
For all lovers of good writing, here are this year’s winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, (a.k.a. "It Was a dark and Stormy Night" contest) run by the English Department of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.
- As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.
- Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens.
- With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
- Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep… Andre creep…Andre creep."
- Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved..
- Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store.
- Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
- Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
- Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word "fear"’; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death — in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS…
- The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes… can’t see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, "What’s the problem… didn’t the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
From a 9 year old
Q: What do you call Poo in a church
A: Holy Shit.
Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Q: How do you make a butterfly?
A: Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife!
Q: What mouse was a Roman emperor?
A: Julius Cheeser!