Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."
"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"
"Probably not," answers the keeper.
"Why not?" persists the visitor.
On our way to my parents’ house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn’t that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those "Oh, Mom" looks.
When we arrived at my folks’ place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and looking me over with a critical eye said, "Elizabeth! Don’t you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?"
Here’s one for lovers of the iconic Australian movie "The Castle". One of my electrical appliances broke down, so I put it in the car, intending to take it to the dump after purchasing a new one. So I went to the electrical store, bought a new one, and while I was paying for it, said to the sales person, "You know where the old one’s going?"
Without batting an eyelid she replied, "Straight to the pool room."
"A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he’s average." -Jimmy Fallon
Hypochondriac that I am, I constantly log on to the Internet to self-diagnose my latest ailment. But even I knew it was time to lighten up the day I typed in the key words "liver disorders." That led me to a medical site.
With growing alarm I realized I had each of the first seven symptoms. Then I came to No. 8 and suddenly felt much
better: "Feeling of lethargy. No longer enjoys romping and wagging tail."
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn’t it be a kindness if our ship’s doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
A Kiwi bloke, an Aussie bloke and a beautiful blonde (female) Swedish backpacker are in a compartment on a train when it goes through a pitch black tunnel. A big smacky kiss is heard, followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Aussie bloke is rubbing a big red mark on his face.
He thinks "the Kiwi bloke must have tried to kiss the Swedish girl, but she thought it was me and slapped me".
She thinks "one of the men must have tried to kiss me, missed and got the other man, who slapped him".
The Kiwi bloke thinks "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can kiss my arm and slap that Aussie bloke again!"
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions roite. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, " Tell me now, and how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads."
"Sheesh! I wish you’d make up your mind," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
Q: What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A: A piano.
Q: Why did the cat sit on the computer?
A: To keep an eye on the mouse.
Q: Where do American cows come from?
A: Moo York.
Q: Did you hear about the comedian owl?
A: He was a real hoot.