"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman
"There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage." James Holt McGavran
"I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t." Patrick Murray
When Rod’s wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Rod told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn’t worth living."
"Don’t be stupid, Rod," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, What do you do for a living?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Rod replied.
"Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again."
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner. — Kari Moore
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip – shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave Mary’s husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn’t going.
Mary’s friends are very upset that she can’t go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?" "Well, I’ve been here since last night. . . Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who’?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom.
The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. . . On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."
So here I am.
"Gov. David Paterson of New York, who is legally blind, is denying rumors of having an affair by saying he’s not seeing another woman." -Craig Ferguson
Have loved this story for a few years now – my niece in question is 16 but was about 4 at the time: My niece was sitting in Church on Easter Sunday with my mother and whispered to her – "who is that man on the cross?" My mother replied to her that "that is Jesus". My niece was silent for a moment – then said: "Gosh – he’s grown since Christmas." My mother just about died laughing – while trying to remain quiet in Church.
A little boy’s sitting on the toilet for a long time, so his mother enters the bathroom to see what’s going on. She finds him on the loo, reading a book, but every 10 seconds he puts the book down and whacks himself on top of the head. "Why on earth are you doing that?" the mum asks.
"Well," the boy replies, smacking himself on the head again, "I haven’t done a poo yet and this usually works for tomato sauce."
Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What’s a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.
Doug asks, "I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"
Bill says, "I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I’ll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember…I don’t mind going back to prison."
One day a truckload of fertilizer went by this farm where a young boy lived.
The boy stopped the truck and asked the driver, "What are you going to use this fertilizer for?"
The man said, "For my strawberries."
The boy replied, "Well at my place we put sugar and cream on our strawberries."
A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the race- track. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager.
"You’re too cautious and detail-oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.
"What’s your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It’s simple," the broker explained. "I have two kids…
ages two and six…so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."
"But two and six is eight, not nine!" protested the analyst.
"See!" the broker replied, "I told you you’re too cautious and detail-oriented."