Our new Kindergarten class returned to school for their second day. A little boy sitting at the front, with a concerned look on his face, put up his hand. "Will any of us graduate today?" he asked.
Some bad puns
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. - She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
- The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a
little behind in his work. - No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be
stationery. - A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart. - Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it
hit me. - A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
True stories from precious seniors
Vera had a wicked sense of humour and was having her mental health assessed, and when asked when her birthday was? says “2nd March “ when asked what year is that? She says “Every year”
Mary who had dementia, was being admitted to the nursing home and the nurse was trying to attain what her memory was like. After telling Mary who she was and questioning her for the endless paperwork, the nurse then asks “Do you know who I am?” Mary looks at her and smiles and says “Why darling have you forgotten who you are to?
Walking up to the counter at a fabric store, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That’s fine," replied the girl. "I’ll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
We were eating out at a restaurant the other day and our daughter said to us Daughter: "I know what I am going to do when I am older" Mum: "and whats that?" Daughter: "I am going to be a PE teacher, and a mum … AND I am going to own a restaurant" Mum: "Wow … that sounds like a lot …"
Daughter: "And you know what? … I am going to WORK TOO!"
Well that just cracked me up …… from the mouth of a 5 year old!
A woman gave birth in a new state of the art delivery suite. It was so hi-tech that the baby came out cordless.
“If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.” ~ Rita Mae Brown
Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Australia….Kevin Rudd. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. The enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of $2.73 million on the enquiry, a special Royal Commission presented the following findings:
- The stamp is in perfect order.
- There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
- People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
Mick met Paddy in the street and said, ‘Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?’
‘Bejaysus —- Why?’ Paddy asked.
‘Because,’ said Mick, ‘the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.’
Paddy said, ‘Stupid idiots, the laugh’s on them ….. I wasn’t home yesterday.’
Customer, "I’m sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I don’t have anything left over for a tip."
Waiter, "One moment, sir, and I’ll add up the bill again."
Latest from Belfast:
Peter Robinson is having trouble with his eyes because someone poked a finger in his Iris.
Q: Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A: Because there was a face off in the corner.
"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, ‘Wait a minute — isn’t that every woman?’" -Dave Letterman
A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues.
Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely.
Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.
His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!